Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Want to enlarge your.....WHAT?

Dear Lisa Marcell,

I am a healthy 30 something male. I have no known health concern except for what is called neuroectodermal appendage. My question is this; I recently saw an infomercial that was for "that certain part of the male anatomy". This commercial made a lot of sense to me. So I ordered this all natural herbal product. After taking said product for 2 weeks I started to notice a big change! Unfortunately my neuroectodermal appendage began to grow! (Also known as a Human Tail) It grew 2 inches. This was not the desired affect. So I called the company and all I got from thier customer service department was heavily accented laughter.

Lisa Marcell, what do I do now? Please help. I have included a picture for you.


Livin lovita loca in Logan

Dear Livin Lovita Loca in Logan,

Although growing your tail may not have been the desired effect, fate has handed you something even more alluring than an enlarged member of the male anatomy. During a time of economic hardships and instability, you have managed to turn what was once a slight abnormality into a money making scheme! "When life hands you a tail, make money." I think that's how the saying goes.
Start sending out your resume, including a butt shot instead of a head shot. There isn't a circus in the world who wouldn't want you to join their team! You have a profitable business on your hands....errrr, butt. And to quote my dear friend, Ludacris...
"Shake, shake, shake yo' money maker!"

Good luck in the circus and I hope everything shakes out well for you, Lisa Marcell

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Painting sparks

Dear Lisa Marcell,

How can I convince my husband that it's in his best interest to help paint the apartment?

Struggling Painter

Dear Struggling Painter,

One of the hard realizations in a marriage is that we can't convince our spouse to do as we wish. Unless of course, you married a monkey. And even then...good luck getting him potty trained. The best way to enlist your hubby's help? Enticement. Paint in the nude, using your body parts as paintbrushes. It's not only effective as an attention grabber, it rekindles that spark in the bedroom (and bathroom, living room, kitchen...or any other room that needs a fresh coat of paint) PLUS it saves money. Why waste money on paintbrushes when God gave you fingers and breasts? A little tip...put down some drop cloths.

Best of luck,
Lisa Marcell

Monday, October 13, 2008

The deny or not to deny?

Dear Lisa Marcell,

My left shoe makes a farting noise when I walk. And it just made one when I left the dispatch office at work. Do I go back in and announce that it was my shoe? What if nobody heard it? Then I sound guilty and won't be able to live it down. Or do I just keep going and hope nobody heard it, but risk that they did hear and just think I farted and then left? I'm panicked!

Farting and Panicked

Dear Farting and Panicked,

The appropriate response would have been a timely denial and explanation of your shoe having farted, not your rear. But, too much time has passed and it will now seem as though you concocted the shoe farting story to cover up your loose bowels. Then people will not only think you're gassy, but that you are slow, too.
There are only two options now.
1. Brazen it out, never speak of it again and hope nobody heard it.
2. Recreate the situation and do damage control at that point. How? Go back into the dispatch office and make casual conversation until the shoe farts again. At that point, let them know your left shoe farts. And tell a story about how this same thing happened at church one day, but you couldn't deny it to the whole congregation as sacrament was going on. Everyone assumed you farted and you were mortified. The story will deflect the current farting noise, make them laugh and they'll also be able to relate to you. Who hasn't had a farting shoe incident? Once the discussion of mis-diagnosed fartings finishes, leisurely stroll back to your office, ensuring that the fart noise doesn't happen again. Never wear the shoes again.

Best of luck,

Lisa Marcell


Hello, and welcome to my advice blog. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Lisa Marcell. Although, I can't figure out why you're even here if you don't know me. I suppose I can help strangers as well as friends, family and co-workers. I try not to discriminate. (Well...I try to not let people know that I discriminate.)

Over the years I have been asked questions by people seeking my advice in this crazy world. Although I love helping people individually, I wondered if there was a way to help in a broader sense. Obviously, it hit me! I can start an advice blog. I was going to start an advice column, but Dear Abby has that market cornered.

So, here it is! Advice by Lisa Marcell! It's what you've all been waiting for.

Please submit all questions that you need advice on to my email OR comment on this introduction post with your questions. For sensitive material I will safeguard your anonymity. (Although, I may make fun of you)

Every week I will choose a topic that I think applies to many people and I will post it, along with my advice.

Ask away, readers, ask away!